Caution: You are about to enter my mind; the good, the bad and the ugly. If at any time you feel faint, dizzy or as if you may pass out you'll want to move on to the next blog. Enter at your own risk. Don't say I didn't warn you.
As many of my readers know, life here has taken a hard left. What many of you may not know is the most common saying I found myself repeating lately is "I don't know what I don't know."

When I repeated those words it was like a oxymoron to many around me. Somehow over the years I have become the constant, strong, level headed one. I'm the one who works through the crisis quickly and efficiently. I seem anticipate the next logical step in many situations. See, I'm not supposed to openly reveal to everyone "I don't know."

I wouldn't consider myself the 'leader' by any means, rather I'm the one who is called on to divide/plan and conquer/execute. In fact in many situations when I pull away from a situation I am faced with the question "What do you think?" I have to be honest with you, I've never been comfortable with all that comes with 'leadership'. There's an ole saying ... "Screw me once shame on you, screw me twice shame on me." Been there done that.

I realize this type of role can be seen as a revered trait by many but I also believe it's a cursed trait; a trait with a high personal price. For me the price is suppressing emotion so often that it interferes with my personal life.

Those who are closest to me experience it more often than they realize and knowing they are paying the price breaks my heart. I see it in their eyes, I see it in their reaction and I hear it in their conversations.

I can't give you the exact date when it began but I do recognize over the past 14 or so years it has gotten worse. So much so that when faced with showing emotion my mind typically screams "Shut. it. down!" Instead of showing the most common reaction my mind kicks into overdrive or what I call 'managerial cruise control.'

I'll admit it, since my Mother's passing I have been in 'managerial' mode 24/7. Anything not to reveal my emotions including the beloved 'shutting down' ... just not participating in anything unless it had to do with helping my Dad or Grandmother. Even then it has been just getting from appointment to appointment or a recon mission of sorts.

I am sure there was a loss of confidence but even deeper I know it was a loss of self. It's as if I needed "the shelter of my own self, to be with myself and center, for peace, clarity" (Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry) and did it without formal notice to others around me. Physically I could get it done but emotionally, with everyone around me openly in distress and looking towards me, the pressure was on to be the constant in a earthquake of emotion.

Let me be the first to tell you ~ it's over. Yup, it's so over. It's sad to say but all this death has jumped started my battery back to life. I guess you could say as the calender year flipped, life here, both personal and professional, took a hard right. I've lowered the top on this convertable, I've got the sunscreen on and I'm ready.

Like a long lost road newly discovered, I've opened the throttle and once again rejoicing in family accomplishments. Sometimes it's just a simple smile & thumbs up while watching them, other times it's initiating a full on hug out of nowhere and this morning it was 'goosing' hubby just because I could. Heck just last weekend I convinced the clan it was a good idea to brave the frigid temps in order to hurl ourselves down a 10 story ski hill at 40 miles an hour with nothing but a inner tube between us and the icy snow. We screamed with laughter all afternoon ~ it was ... priceless.

I know the clan can sense the change. I've seen it in the way their face warms, in the twinkle of their eyes and in their tooth grinning chapped smiles. It's been a long time since I've been declared "The Best Mom Ever!", by my kids, in public for all to hear, and I'm happy to report I've hit that status 3 times just this week.

As for my professional life, all cylinders are engaged and working at 110%. I'm no longer going through the motions of just getting the work done at the surface level. The hazards are off. I'm digging in deep, envisioning the bigger picture and shredding tires from the dirt encrusted ditch if need be to make it happen.

In my philanthropy dealings, it's been a long time coming but I finally tell you I stopped in the center of the crossroads, made my wishes known and reached out towards a goal yesterday. There's a lot of work to do but I'm no longer asleep at the wheel. I wouldn't say I've turned into the offensive driver we all know and love, but I can tell you the merge into the fast lane happened when no one was looking. Like the deer darting out from nowhere, standing statuesque in the middle of the road, I'm already inspiring others to get involved instead of just letting others do the work for them.

Sure 'this' can come crashing down at any moment. I admit the risk of being side swiped at any moment is pretty much Murphy's Law. I expect to stumble from time to time but I'm ready. I'm strapped in, have my hands on the wheel, I've yelled over my right shoulder to settle down the clan and ready to hit the open road to see what this baby can do!

All I can say is I'm back. I'm back like never before and oh yeah it's on ~ on like Donkey Kong!

While I was in the throws of sickness last week, Little Man's 1st grade teacher sent home a diorama assignment. Of course she wanted all first graders (and their parents) to have the assignment completed over a couple of week nights. Right. I know what a diorama is; I just loathed them in elementary school.


My first thought in reading this was "She is absolutely insane!" and after researching the subject ~ just to make sure ~ I declared the teacher certifiably nuts. In my panic induced snotty nose blowing state I did what any good bloggy Mom would do ~ contact another teacher as fast as my fingers would type.


Just who did I contact you ask? The best 5th grade teacher ever ~ John Deere Mom! Not only did John Deere Mom calm my nerves she gave me a wonderful website to aide in the process. Did I tell you how awesome John Deere Mom is yet?! Go visit her blog.


That evening my Little Man came home with a note from the teacher. Seems quite a few parents called her 'discussing' how they would like to have the weekend to finish the assignment due to work restraints. While I did not stir the waters in the classroom I was glad others didn't have a problem doing so ~ Whew!


Friday night Little Man we spent quality time working on his Wetland Diorama. Saturday we took a family field trip to the museum to take a look at hundred's of professional dioramas. We came home thrilled to put the finishing touches on the diorama. Behold ~ below I give you Little Man and is Wetland Diorama! He's on the way out the door to take it to school ... with a big ole grin of course!



While your busy checking out great blogs click your way over to Candid Carrie's. She's got her famous Friday Foto Finish Fiesta going on ~ right now! ~ GO!

Just a little somehting to remind each of us we are important enough to take care of ourselves first and foremost.

Disclaimer: For those of you new to my site, my Mom passed away June 23rd, 2008. She left behind a husband at 62, her Mom at 92, 4 children, 4 Grandchildren and many friends. I am slowly dealing with the situation but have found myself in the role of sole caregiver for and power of attorney for both my Father and Grandmother. It's a mess and so am I.

How much stuff do you have?
How much stuff do you need?

For many of us those two simple questions are of the hardest to answer or confess. As you may have already guessed this week I began cleaning out my Mothers' things. As I loaded the 25th paper grocery bag of clothes into our truck for the donation center I began to wonder how much of this my Mom actually needed. For example, I opened a large drawer packed with socks - 40 perfectly paired white and another 40 pair of dress socks.

Perhaps this level of preparation came from her upbringing. She was adopted. She spent time in foster care before my Grandmother & Grandfather feel in love with her. I'm sure her years with very little to call her own feed the fear of not having what others have. I can remember days as a child being told so many other children do not have what I had. In my adolescence I never understood. How could I really? I had two parents who gave me everything I ever needed and then some from day one.

Today, on my Mother's 58th birthday, I understand the fear she faced. A fear that never really went away. As I continue to clean at my father's request I vow not to forget my mother's fear by donating all I can to those in need.

Disclaimer: For those of you new to my site, my Mom passed away June 23rd, 2008. She left behind a husband at 62, her Mom at 92, 4 children, 4 Grandchildren and many friends. I am slowly dealing with the situation but have found myself in the role of sole caregiver for and power of attorney for both my Father and Grandmother. It's a mess and so am I.

Take a moment to think about everything you do for your family. Typically we undervalue our worth any time we are asked by saying "I'm just a Mom" so I ask you to think about all those roles you have in any given day ~ again.
For many the list looks something like this: Wife, Mother, Caregiver, Chef, Financial Officer, Maid, Household Manager, decorator, taxi, educational advisor etc.

Now think about how much it would cost to hire someone to do those jobs if you were gone? Would you or your husband be able to handle each of those roles alone in addition to working 40+ hours a week if the other should pass away before retirement?

Now take a moment to think about life insurance.
Do you have a policy?
Is it a individual policy or a joint policy?
If it's an individual policy, how much are you worth according to the policy?
Does your individual policy come close to how much it would cost to hire someone to do all the jobs you listed earlier?
If it's a joint policy do you realize both parties would have to pass before it can be collected on? How would that help you in you time of need if you were the survivor?

As you can already guess, Mom was grossly under-insured and the situation has left my Father upside down with funeral costs one year before retirement.

I know this is a difficult conversation to have with your husband (wife) but it's a conversation you can not afford not to have ... today.

I just wanted to stop in today Thank You. Your messages of condolences are of great comfort to me. This past week has been overwhelmingly challenging for me between the funeral preparations, spending nearly every moment with my father in his time of grief, watching over my siblings and taking over sole responsibility of my Grandmother (something my Mom was handling as an only child). I look forward to spending time blogging with all of you soon but until then keep in touch and my special request to each of you would be to spend time with your Mother this holiday weekend.

I wanted to let each of you know why I haven't been here this week; it has been a devastating week. At the age of 57, my mother passed away early Monday morning. I am taking it minute by minute, day by day but do not have the strength to tell you her story at this time.

Thank you to everyone who expressed their concern that I was not writing. I miss all of you and hope next week brings some time to talk with you.

As any parent knows, one minute you are the best parent ever and in the next your fame can seem a distant dream. No one ever really knows exactly how quickly the tides can change, they just do.

Much to my delight it appears I have shot right to the top and been proclaimed "The best Mom ever!" without notification by my daughter. It all started Friday morning. Someone snuck into our room and made our bed. I wasn't quite sure who the little Leprechaun was but it was a nice surprise.

Later that evening I placed my head on the pillow only to find a rather large and rock like package underneath. After careful (and sleepy) inspection I realized my daughter was the Leprechaun. She had made her own gift wrap, Mother's Day card and a clay trinket holder which she placed under the pillow earlier that day.

So here's my evidence ....





The wrapping paper has the flower & 'I Love You', the note states she likes my cooking because I made her favorite food Corn Puppies and the trinket bowl has a flower engraved on the inside bottom.

I am sure before the weekend is over I will have fallen from grace but until then will bask in the glow that is 'The Best Mom Ever'.

Happy Mother's Day Everyone!